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For lunch today, I made a sandwich. Simple, right? I had oatmeal bread, which is delicious, but only three pieces, two of which were the crusty ends. I was not happy with this. I looked into the bag, peered into it as if magically, by this very act, a middle piece of the loaf would appear to match the lone middle slice in the bag. I do not want to eat the ends. I have never liked them. Make croutons or duck food or seagull food out of those, but truly, why do we need the ends? I wonder if bread makers have ever considered not giving us the ends. Would people feel somehow shortchanged because of their incomplete loaf? I would not. I would be perfectly happy with an “un-ended” loaf.

As no matching middle slice appeared, I resigned to using an end to make the other “bookend” of my sandwich. I mean, why is there even a crust on a loaf? Cut that stuff off, too. All that really, truly is is overdone bread. Someone forgot to take out the bread before it got too done on the outside. The baker was asleep or drunk in the kitchen.

I got through my sandwich, with spicy brown mustard, mayonnaise, pastrami, muenster cheese, romaine lettuce leaves, sliced pickles, vine-ripened tomato slices, and a sprinkling of red wine vinegar, salt, and pepper. It was delish, I have to admit, except for that sandpaper taste from the overly done end piece. I suffered through somehow. After all, I was not going to starve myself!

From now on, however, I will make sure to have bread on hand so as not to have to resort to the “so-beneath-me” crusty ends and bits of the loaf.

The only crusty or crumby bits I like are from a cookie, a pie, cupcake…basically anything that should have a bit of crust or crumb to it.

All the seagulls and ducks will love me now.

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